sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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