I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
