don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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