I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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