Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
