he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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