i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
