my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
