he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
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His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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