I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
