so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
