he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
