I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
