my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
