Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
