I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
