I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
