Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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