Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
