I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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