we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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