He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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