We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
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I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
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My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
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