She is in my trunk
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
