the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
