Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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