Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
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He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
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So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
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