You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
