I want to have your abortion
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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