When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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