Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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