If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
