If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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