My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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