I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Send help, water and tortillas.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
