A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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