Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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