so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
