I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
