My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
