We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
