apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
