I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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