If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
