Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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