I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
