I molested 6 butterflies tonight
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
