Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
