My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
