My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
