two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
