his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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