a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
