I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
