Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
