yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
