life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
