Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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