I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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