theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
