it hurts more in the daytime
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
