my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We are two peas in an std pod
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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