Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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